As the weekend nears, the normal person should be feeling contented and relieved that the short break is here for the week. But for me, I feel otherwise; it's always about her. I can't get her off my mind. Though one might think that I have all sweet and lovey thoughts about her, but no. Sadly, they are thoughts of insecurity, fear and resentment.

The more I think of her, the more pain I feel; yet I still want to think of her. Such sadness is nothing like I have ever felt since a very long time ago. I wished I could revert time and be normal friends with her once again; the times when she would chat with me over the most trivial of things. The times when she would go high over the smallest of matters. The times where she would ask about my problems and be willing to listen. I miss those times. Though it only lasted for a short period, I still treasured them and I hope they will materialise once again.

I still remember the time:

It was back in orientation, where I met her. I was neutral towards her, having feelings for her only as a normal friend. I didn't speak much to her and she didn't speak much to me. It was really quite an acquaintance. But as we got to know each other better through the games and activities, I started to develop very slight feelings for her. However, when I entered University, I told myself clearly that: "I will not take action for any girl in the school even if I may like her, unless I know that she has feelings for me, only then will my actions be fruitful.". This statement and mindset was highly influenced based the happenings of my past...I did not want to feel hurt ever again, also likewise for the other party. It lasted 4 days before orientation reached its closure; we simply bade each other good luck for the future in school and hopefully meet up every now and then to relieve those memories as a group. It was only on that night that I shook her hand and wished her all the best; in my mind, I hoped that I would meet up with her and hangout sometime.

It was the first week of school and hectic as hell. There were much work to be done and I was barely coping. Then there was one night, it was 1 am in the wee hours of the morning. I had just taken my bath and waiting for my hair to dry, pondering about the happenings of the day. My phone suddenly displayed a notification; it was a message from her. She asked me to come to her friend's apartment to wish her friend happy birthday. I knew her friend, but I felt it would be awkward for a guy to enter a girl's apartment. Moreover, I was already very tired and wanted to sleep, so I declined her. She kept persisting that I should turn up to wish her friend. For some explainable reason, I reluctantly left my apartment to her friend's, and eventually went in to wish her friend. It was a really awkward situation because I didn't know any of her other friends other than she herself, and given the fact that I was indirectly invited by her. During that time, she and I sat at the opposite corner of the room engaging in our own conversation rather than with the birthday girl. It was filled with so much awkwardness, but I enjoyed the conversation despite my weariness. For the first time since orientation, she spoke to me like we were really close friends; it was like we had been friends for years and wouldn't mind sharing our darkest secrets together. There was physical nudging and pushing. Of course, I could not appreciate the situation presently; in fact, I was shocked. I couldn't understand why she would be so friendly to me all of a sudden, despite not talking much during orientation. In my mind, I knew something was going on... And so I just played along with her, telling myself to keep treating her just as a normal friend who is really fun to be with and easy-going. That night was surely an enjoyable and unforgettable one for me. When I returned to my room, I didn't feel tired. But I knew I had to sleep and rest for the next day... I decided to overlook this happening and treat it like a normal, everyday occurrence.

During this few weeks of school, there were trial sessions for the different co-curricular activities. Of course, being a person with many interests, I participated in quite a number of sports as well as performing arts to gain different experiences. Being a person originally from the sports arena, I was more inclined to joining a sport rather than a performing art. However, I kept my options open as I liked performing arts such as music and acapella. I would never join dance as a co-curricular activity; people who knows me know that I am more of the strong side and not so much delicate and graceful. If I were to be dancing, I would look like a piece of wood trying to move around: Inanimate and unlively. Nevertheless, I still decided to participate in the dance trials just to see what kind of things they are doing. And guess who was at the trials? She was there. Well, for a moment it did make me want to join dance there and then, but no; I know I will not be so easily convinced into joining something that I do not necessarily like just for a girl...that would be too superficial. The trials was fun and we did some solo singing parts for the entire audience of people who were there...it was extremely embarrassing. I knew dancing/show choir would not be my cup of tea. I went on to participate in the cheer leading trials. After the trials, which ended very late. I was still thinking about which activity I should officially join...definitely not dance...But no! Something happened. Something that would entirely change my stubborn mind; It was when I checked my phone and realized I had a missed call from her and she messaged me. She 'ordered' me to join the group. That was exactly what she said. 'Ordered'...isn't that such a strong word to use on someone whom she really isn't close to? Unless she really did have intentions to punish me if I didn't obey her order but then again, why would I even listen to her? She kept insisting that I should join the group and despite me telling her that I was really only there to try-out, she gave me all kinds of reasons to convince me otherwise. This sparked something in my mind yet again; something was going on... At that time, I was feeling...shocked again. But this time, I felt a slight feeling of bliss. Never in my life has girl actually tried to convince me to do something by taking a leap of faith. Now I was starting to feel really confused: Does this girl really have feelings for me? Am I just thinking too much? I knew I had to find out more before I could make a final conclusion. I kept thinking about my original mindset and I performed quite well at keeping to it.

As the days passed, I was still thinking if I should join the dance group. I tried testing her by telling her what if I didn't join the group. She gave neutral answers like 'Then I wouldn't be able to force you if you didn't want to...'. Her answers reverted my conjectures back to square one. Sigh. I thought it was true that she was interested in me. After some self-consoling, I decided to just move on with life and continue treating her as a normal friend. But since my good friend was also joining the dance group, I decided to give it a try and joined it anyway. It would also be a good chance to observe her personality.