I'm back here, 3 years later. Much had happened. But as you know, the main reason for me coming back to blog is definitely because of sadness.

These 3 years were the year of my University life; and it was pretty similar to my JC's - I got great friends during my first year, and then for the remaining years, I will leave them (or they leave me) one by one. Till today, I can't find people true enough to let into my life. It is really really sad, but I've grown used to this sort of happenings. I'm pretty much numb to it.

I am not emotionless, I just suppress it. I know it is really bad for the mind and soul but what else can I do? I have no one in this world to share them with, other than this blog, which I know will never turn against me, or let my secrets out. I just feel that all these hate is what shaped who I am today. Unmoving and cold. I detest socializing; despite the social butterfly I used to be many years back. It's difficult to do something when you've received so much sh*t from it.

So I thought I could take away a good friends from my University life. And gullible I was. Even 1 would be good, but no. And it's really ironic - this friend, was the first I met in my Uni life, and I thought that fate had let us know each other. Cause we were really great friends and I was almost prepared to trust him. We had so much fun together, and we explored and embraced University together through the early year. Then came that love-rival incident I mentioned earlier. And it seemed he could not fully understand the qualms I had with that love-rival. (He is the only person I told about my crush) And I was pretty ok with him still being friends with him. But what made lose my trust in him was the fact that he would sometimes joke and set me up with that guy. He obviously knew I didn't like it, and I could also tell he didn't really cared about my feelings. And therefore, my trust for me dropped, slowly but surely. Also, the fact that we studied different majors increased the distance between us. He wasn't the friend I originally saw.

Of course we still met, cause we participated in the same CCA. And we would still be good friends - Just that I wouldn't open up to him as much as I did before. There's this underlying tension of mistrust.

But near graduation, he, and together with 3 other friends of mine, decided that we should go on a graduation trip together. Of course I obliged. I wasn't planning on any other trip anyway. The reason why I don't like to plan such trips was because I don't like the idea of asking someone, only to have them reject, or, in worse cases, accept based on obligation. I was really happy in fact, that I belonged to a circle of friends that would decide to go on a trip with me, given that I didn't have one for most of my Uni life. Yes, it's painful, but like I said, I've learnt to live with it. And these 4 friends, were all my first year classmates, the only ones left which I still speak to after first year.

The irony? We ceased the friendship during the graduation trip. Or should I say, I, as in I, decided to not carry on with the friendship. A quarrel happened, and the events which followed after hurt me alot. And in order to harden my mind and enjoy the rest of the trip (it happened on the 2nd day), I had to shut them off. I ignored them for 7 days. It was definitely one of the hardest parts of my life. Imagine living with strangers for 7 days - you'd never know if they might steal your stuff, or leave you alone to die. So in this 1 day, 3 years of friendship just dissolved into thin air. Of course, to put it more accurately, it didn't really happen in just one day, but rather, it was an accumulation of underlying animosity which finally gave way.

Nothing, nothing was left between us.

Till today, I question if everything was truly my fault?

I don't know. But I do know it's not easy making the decision to end the friendship.